Divorce can be a really hard subject to talk about. It can be very sensitive to most people. I don’t want to argue weather divorce is good or bad. I know that in some situations divorce can be a good thing but there are also moments where divorce wasn’t the right decision. In the United States 24% of marriages end in divorce. The divorce rate has been slowly declining since the mid 1900’s. There was a huge spike because they changed the divorce laws but it has decreased since then.

            A divorce can be a long process. It isn’t just the legal process. It includes the decisions before and after the divorce as well. There is also the part where you have to divide belongings and parental responsibilities if there are children. Most of the time the judge will determine custody over the children. There are two different forms of custody when both parents have access to the children. Joint legal custody and joint physical custody. Legal custody has to do with the parents legal aspects of parenthood like picking up the kids from school or taking them to the doctors. It gives both parents the permission to take care of their kids. In the physical custody it deals with where the kids are staying. Most of the time the kids end up living with their mom and the father gets Wednesday evenings and every other weekend. It doesn’t always end up that way but most of the time it does. If the kids are older the father wouldn’t have a lot of time to spend with their father. The kids could be involved in sport or clubs that take away the fathers time with the kids. The mother also loses time with the kids  because she ends up having to go to work and the kids up with relatives or in child care.

             After a divorce it can take two years or more to readjust to life. You have to learn to live on your own again and make decisions by yourself. You also may have to deal with your ex-spouse and try to make decisions with them about the kids. It is important to realize that it is a process. It takes time to readjust after huge changes in life. There will be a lot of different changes to adjust to. One thing that you might not expect is that holidays will be really hard. Families create traditions and if the family were to split up it would be hard to create new patterns.

            When the time is right most people remarry after splitting up. It can also be hard adjusting to a new marriage. There are some important things to remember when combining families. It is important that the new parent doesn’t get involved in the heavy discipline. It can create barrier between spouses and also between the kids. It’s also important to remember to counsel together more than the average couple. It is important to make sure that both people are being heard and that you are able to overcome the stress of change.  

Another important part of being a new step parent is that the step parent should act like a fantastic aunt or uncle. They should be joyful, give good advice, give encouragement, and express love, they should be willing to support their new family, and they should be accepting. When I think of my aunts and uncles I think of all the support that they have given me. They are like parents when my actual parents need them to fill in for them.

            Parenting can be kind of difficult. There is no rule book to show you what to do or any right way to be a parent. Parenting is a lot of trial and error. You have to learn by experience and try the best you can. Children learn the most between when they are born to about 8 years old. Parents have a second learning curve when their first child is born trying to adapt to the new circumstances. This process can happen after each additional child. Every child is different and have different needs and need different amounts of attention. The purposes of parenting are to help your children to become responsible adults. One way of thinking of it is breaking up the word responsibility to response and able. Parents are to teach kids to be able to respond appropriately to different circumstances. Life can be challenging and it is hard to be able to know how to respond to different circumstances. A famous family scientist named Michael Popkin has said that the purpose of parenting is “to protect and prepare a child to survive and thrive in the world they will live in.” I think this is important because eventually kids have to move out and learn to live on their own. It is important for the parents to help the kids be able to know how to survive and thrive in a changing world. There will be several challenges trying to parent a child. Children don’t always accept what their parents are teaching them. Conflict will most likely arise and there will be disagreements. What is important is how we respond to those arguments. It is very important to show respect. Children need to be able to see the consequences of their actions. The best way for a child to learn is by experiencing the natural consequences that come because of their actions. An example could be that the child stayed out too late the night before and barely got home with enough gas to roll into the driveway. The next day the child was planning on taking their car to school however they slept in because they were tired and also were out of gas. The natural consequence would be that the kid can’t take the car to school. They would either have to walk or take the bus. The exceptions to letting the natural consequences teach are when the outcome of the situation is too dangerous, too far in the future to be of value and when it hurts other people. The first exception could be if the child wanted to ride a skateboard down a steep hill that lead to a freeway. The kid could get badly injured. It is better to intervene than to let him or her ride down the hill into the busy road. An example for the second exception could be that a 12 year old boy doesn’t want to go to school anymore. He wouldn’t recognize the consequences of his actions until after he left home and needed to start providing for himself and maybe a future family. The last exception could be shoplifting or vandalizing. There are a few steps that a parent can avoid conflict when these exceptions do occur. First the parent must politely request the child to do the intended task. If that doesn’t work they should try to use an “I feel” statement. Then next step would to give a firmer statement to prove your point while being firm and friendly. The last way is by giving logical consequences. Logical consequences should be logically connected to the natural consequence, be discussed in advance, use a when…then… statement, be firm and friendly, follow through and be something that you’re willing to follow through on, allow for the child to have a second chance and to involve the child in the decision. Children need to feel that they belong and that they are protected. They also need to feel that they have control over their lives. They should be confident in being able to make decisions and feeling like they have a responsibility.

The role of a father is really important in a family. They not only provide for the physical needs of the family but also the emotional needs. Recently I read a really good article. It was called “Fathers.” In this article it talked about the role of a father and what their priorities should be. The articles talked about how fathers should put their families first, they are to love their families, they work together with their wife, and they should teach by example.

The first point that the article made was that fathers should put their family first. Fathers usually are given the responsibility to provide for their family. They usually spend a lot of time out of the home trying to earn enough money to help make ends meet. Usually the wife will stay home with their kids and make sure that their emotional needs and physical needs are met. A father should find time out of his schedule to be able to spend time with his family. He should focus on building relationships with his kids and not just focus on working all the time.

Another important point that it mentioned was that fathers should love their family. If a father were to spend all his time working he wouldn’t have enough time to get to know his family. Everyone is unique and different. It is important to see the positive attributes of each person and to learn about what they may be struggling with. Mothers and Fathers both think and act very differently. There may be some problems that your family is dealing with that maybe only you can fix. As you reach out to the different members of your family you are able to help them to overcome their struggles. As you show love to your family you will be able to feel like you are needed in return and feel their love for you.

It is also very important to work with your wife. It is hard to make all of the decisions by yourself. There should be communication between husband and wife. You should also put each other’s needs before your own needs. You are to help lift one another up. There are so many difficulties that we pass through in life. When there is so much stress and other pressures in life it is hard to move forward and be optimistic about the future. As you talk to your spouse and try to convey your fears and worries to them you are better able to find solutions to those worries. Most of the time the father is absent from their family which forces the wife to make a lot of the important decisions by herself. This can cause a lot of problems in marriage after the father has retired. He is now around the family more and the family has to adjust to having him around more often.

The last part of the article was talking about how fathers teach by example. The best place to learn is in the home. “…informal conversations, working and playing together, and listening are important elements of teaching.” Most of the time we don’t realize all of the teaching opportunities that we have around us. Kids definitely learn by example. They mimic what they see others do. As you teach your kids by doing what is right you are helping them to become better people. As you show them love and take time to listen to them they are able to better learn from you. They will look up to you and see that you are a great leader.

            My dad has been a really great example for me. He has taught me that it is more important to do what is right than to do what is easy. He has taught me by example to help other people and try to reach out to those who are struggling. He has always been there to give advice and to listen to the concerns that I have. I am so grateful for my dad and all that he has taught me. He has helped me to feel loved. He has also taught me several life skills that I couldn’t have learned on my own. I am so grateful for all that he has done for me!

            It can be really hard to make decisions. In my family whenever we go out to eat for dinner my dad asks us “okay so where does everyone want to go for dinner.” Usually everyone else in the car responds by saying things like “I don’t know” or “I don’t really care where we go.” No one wants to be the one to decide. Once we start driving around and looking at the options usually my dad would suggest something and ask everyone what they think about going there and get similar responses. Eventually someone speaks up or my dad decides on where to go. Sometimes people avoid making decisions because they are afraid of what other people might think of their choice. They might actually not have a preference and not know what they want.

There are many different ways that people avoid making decisions. Some people will try to find the middle ground. For example, if one person wanted to live in Montana and the other in Utah they would choose the middle ground and live in Idaho. This works some of the time but doesn’t always work for all situations. Other people might come up with an alternate option. If one of them loved hamburgers and the other loved tacos they but they both like Chinese food they could go with the third option. It might not have been what either of them loved but it was something that both of them could agree on. Another way is through deferment. This is when they ask the other person what they want to do or where they want to go. This can be a little harmful because most of the time it is the same person that always counts on the other to make the decision. They never really get a say in where they go. They might even get in the habit of one person always making the decisions and the other feels left out. One of the best ways to make a decision is to put your feelings aside and think about what it is that you should do and not necessarily what you want to do. Talk with each other and discuss what both of you think is the right thing to do. This is mostly just used for making big decisions but is very effective for making important choices.

Communication is also really important when trying to make decisions. With two differing opinions you won’t always agree on the same things. When things get a little out of hand and it starts to become more of a fight than a discussion you should probably take a break and start over at another time. When yelling is involved there isn’t as much listening. You should listen to the other person about the same amount of time that you talk. There are 5 secrets to a good conversation. The first step is called the disarming technique. You should try to avoid being defensive and try to find the kernel of truth in what they are saying. Although it might be hurtful they are just expressing how they feel. Once you understand their point of view it is easier to know how to help and better handle the situation. The second secret is expressing empathy. You should help them to feel loved. Once someone feels threatened they become more defensive and tend to avoid listening to the other persons point of view. The third secret is asking them questions. You should try to make sure as you are listening that you are understanding them correctly. It is easy to misinterpret something. Ask questions like “If I understand you correctly you feel…” and end by saying “I’d like to hear more” try to show them that you are interested. The fourth secret is using “I feel” statements. An example of this could be “When you didn’t put away your toys I felt angry because you didn’t do what I asked you to. I’d like it if you could pick up your toys so that no one trips on them.” Help them to see how you feel and let them know what they can do to improve. The fifth one is called stroking. For this secret you show the other person that you care about them and show then appreciation for what they had done. These secrets don’t have to be used all at once or in order. You can adjust them to the situation. It takes a lot of practice but with patience it will be easier to communicate better and avoid fighting.

Stress is our bodies natural response to adjust to added pressure. There are many different thing or events that occur in the family that can cause stress. Some added pressures might included financial problems, health issues, loss of a loved one, or marital problems. When a stressor comes into a family depending on how the family reacts can determine the outcome. For example, if a father were to lose his job depending on the resources he has and his perspective on the situation can change the outcome. If his wife were to get upset and be angry with the husband it would be hard for him to overcome the situation. Most of the time situations like these lead to blame or self-doubt. When people start to feel these emotions it is harder to overcome the event. There are three things that can affect the overall experience. First there is the event. The second is the resources and response to the event. The last one is the way they interpret the overall event. As the event happens sometimes you end up with a pile up of stress which leads into more stress or a different stressful event. The resources you have can be your community, religion, extended family, savings, job, health, friends, or education. You can use all of these to be able to get out of a bad situation. It is also good to be prepared so that when these situations occur you can better handle them and escape them more quickly.

Stress is just your brains response to your surroundings. When your brain perceives danger it sends a message to the limbic system which puts pressure on the brain stem. This causes your heart rate to increase, your breathing to increase, your blood pressure to either increase or decrease, and your digestion to decrease. This is your body’s way of preparing to run or fight bringing in extra oxygen. This process happens really quickly. Also while you are in this state the frontal lobe in your brain is blocked. This is the part of your brain that makes decisions, and problem solves. It is the more analytical part of your brain. This enables you to be able to focus on the danger around you.

While your brain enters this stage quickly it takes longer to calm down. Your body is still waiting to make sure that the threat has gone away. Sometimes we are stressed out by one event and then before our bodies have a time to relax there is another stressful event that happens and it ends up piling up and becoming more stressful. Stress is also triggered by the perception of danger not the presence of it. When we feel threatened or scared our bodies will start to respond to the threat. It could be something simple like studying for a test or having to give a talk. You’re still able to function but it is a little harder to calm down. If the stress builds up for too long it can be unhealthy and start to cause problems. Sometimes we may perceive that there is a threat but in reality we are just worried for no real reason. Our bodies still react as if there is a threat and we get all worked up but there was nothing causing the stress. Just a misperception of the situation. If you align your perceptions with what is true you can overcome the stress. You can see that there are no eminent threats and that it is a safe situation. It is a hard process to change the way you think but if you start small and simple and focus on changing small things at a time it is possible to overcome the misperceived stressors.

            This week we learned about sexual intimacy. It can be a hard topic to talk about. There are a lot of misconceptions. Most of the time it is thought of as dirty or gross but it is a gift from God. It is something to be kept sacred and only to be done between husband and wife. With this gift it gives us the power to start a family. It also is a way that a couple can show each other the greatest form of love. In a relationship the woman needs to feel close, warm and safe and the man has the desire to feel close, warm, and safe. It is a selfless act between the two people and a way to show respect for your spouse. Through sexual intimacy you are able to learn more about charity. You are able to care for someone else and to put their needs before you.  You are able to be think of your spouse and not have to worry about yourself. You can focus on the other person and focus on their enjoyment. You are also able to be attentive to your spouse and learn to work together. You also need to have confidence in yourself and learn to be vulnerable and open in communication. Through these experiences you are able to be closer to your spouse. You learn how to watch their feelings and listen to one another.

            Some people have looked in other place to find these kind of feelings. Pornography has started to become a huge issue in the world today. Some people have started to turn to pornography to be able to feel some of the same feelings you would feel in an intimate relationship. It is not the same though. It is only fake feelings and don’t compare to having a healthy relationship with the one person for you. If you compare it to listening to a band in person versus listening to a cd the live band would sound a lot better. The sound is so much better. You could hear the squeak of the guitarists hand moving up and down the guitar strings and hear the flip of a cord as the band is getting into their song. It sounds so much better in person than just listening to a cd. It is natural and beautiful. Once you start looking at pornography it is really addictive. It can be hard to break free from addictions. Pornography can also be really destructive for a marriage. You look to alternate sources to substitute for something that can’t be substituted.

            After marriage it can be hard to adjust to marriage life. It is hard to find a balance between the two of you. In marriage you can either have potential problems or potential joy. Depending on how you start your relationship depends on how your marriage will go. In marriage you become one. You share everything with your spouse. It is hard to be completely open sometimes. There will be disagreements between each other because you come from different backgrounds. It is hard to bring up contentious subjects. There are things that are to be only shared between husband and wife. Sometimes if the disagreements add up it can be hard to keep all the frustration in. You have to be careful not to share damaging subjects with others outside of your relationship. By sharing information with others it can hurt your relationship. Trust is really important between husband and wife. It is important to find a place to counsel with your husband and trust each other.

While dating there are some things that you should pay attention to. For example, when you go out on actual dates, not just hanging out, not only can you can learn more about the other person, you also learn skills for marriage. Therefore, it is important to note that the way you begin your relationship sets up your marriage. While dating you can practice decision making, problem solving, and communication. Problem solving is practiced as you have to change plans because of unexpected events. For example, if you planned to go hiking but it started raining, you would have to come up with other plans on the spot. This can help with bigger problems after marriage. Decision making is also practiced. After marriage you would have to adapt after marriage. There are things that you wouldn’t expect like sleeping with the window opened or closed. While dating you usually have to give up some time to be able to spend time with the other person. Also you might have to plan the activities and other things. This can help you to be able to plan budgeting or other simple things. Communication is an important key to any relationship. You should practice being open and honest. Sharing your worries and struggles with your significant other, so that when bigger issues arise, you will be able to voice your thoughts and opinions later.

            Planning for a wedding can be really expensive. The average cost of a wedding is between $27,000 to $38,000. Most people can’t afford that on their own. There are a few ways that the couple would try to pay for the wedding. They could either save up, ask their parents for help or borrow the money from the bank. If the couple were to save up, it could take a while to make up the money necessary for the wedding. Most people would have to postpone their wedding which could cause problems in the long run. Their parents can lend them the money. However, most parents do not have the amount of money it would cost. Their parents might have to take out a loan or have prepared ahead of time to pay for it. If the parents were to pay for the wedding they would either expect the couple to pay them back in the future or expect to be involved in the marriage. This could also cause problems because the couple needs to learn to rely on each other and start to be independent of their parents. The couple themselves can take out a loan. However, it is really hard to start a new life together with a loan that they have to pay back. Most couples live paycheck to paycheck. To have to pay back a loan can be a really stressful start. Therefore, a wedding doesn’t have to be really fancy. Something simple is sufficient.

It is also important to be open and honest with each other and complement each other frequently even after marriage. It can be kind of stressful after marriage. Two people come together and have to learn how to bring two different worlds together. Both people grew up differently and have had different experiences. They have to learn how to adapt to one another and learn to live with others weaknesses. Without open communication people might hold grudges and that frustration can turn into stress or anger. People under stress tend to go back to what is familiar to them. Even though they are adjusting to married life it can be hard to let go of old habits. Be open and honest with your feeling and help each other to adjust.

While dating there are three things to remember to be able to get to know someone. They are togetherness, talk and time. Togetherness isn’t about spending time with someone but is having something in common or having shared experiences. It is easier to get to know someone when you can relate to them. It’s also nice to be able to have friends in common as well. They can be a support group for you and can help you to overcome some of the challenges you may face while dating. With talking it is asking questions and being open and honest with your responses. Both people in the relationship should be willing to share things about themselves that they may find a little embarrassing or awkward. For time, it is realizing that it takes a while to get to know someone. On average it takes about 3 months to begin to know someone. It helps when you can go on dates rather than just hanging out all the time.

There is a difference between dating and hanging out. When people hang out they are usually just trying to find ways to waste time together. This tends to be more like watching a movie or something else just to distract yourself. It doesn’t involve a lot of talking or getting to know the other person. They also don’t usually have anything planned. It is usually pretty casual. Dating is a little more formal. There are three things that should happen for a date. It should be planned, the person who asked should pay for it, and it should be paired off. A date doesn’t have to be super fancy. It can be something simple like preparing a meal together or going on a hike. It doesn’t have to have a lot of preplanning but it should be something that you can do to get to know each other.

One of the best kinds of dating is called assertive dating. This is where you go out on dates with several different people to see the differences between them and to see what you like about each person. You can get to know a lot of different people and see what you like and what you don’t like about other people. Once you know what kind of person you would like to marry and you feel ready for marriage you should look for that one person and start steady dating. There is a pattern for marriage as well. Dating should come first followed by courtship then engagement and finally marriage.

There is also something important that John Epp wrote about in his book called “How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk.” He has a chart called RAM (relationship attachment model) that talks about how to find balance in a relationship and to avoid falling in love with someone for the wrong reasons. In the book he talks about how you should first know the person before you trust them. Then after you trust them you can start to rely on them. The last two levels are commit and touch. He says that you should try to keep the first three levels above the last two. If you tend to be really touchy you can develop feelings for someone that you don’t really know very well and it could be painful for the both of you.

Dating can be hard at times but it is something that requires practice. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints they have youth dances for those ages 14-18. These dances can help the youth get into habits of asking others to dance and to build confidence in themselves. There are so many people who don’t think very highly of themselves. They don’t think that anyone will ever love them and think of all the imperfect things that they have. Little do they know there could be someone admiring from a distance wanting to ask them out on a date but are a little too nervous to do so.

Men and women can be very different. Not just biologically but even the way they think. Men tend to be a little more competitive and spatial oriented. Women are a little more cooperative and relationship oriented. For example, when driving to figure out what direction to go, men focus more on the compass (North, South, East, West) while women focus more on landmarks. When I try to figure out how to get to somewhere I’ve never been before I think about what is in the same direction or on the way and then think of the roads that I usually drive on to get there. My dad would think that the destination is in the south and find the best roads that will take him south. Not all men think alike and not all women think alike. For example, my younger sister focuses more on the compass directions where I focus more on landmarks. Based on the studies though, the majority of men focus on the compass and the majority of women focus on directions.

My professor in class said that women have 5 times more white matter in the brain than men. However, men have more grey matter in their brains. Grey matter is involved in muscle control and sensory perception like hearing, seeing, memory, and decision making. The white matter connects the different parts of the brain. People describe the grey matter as being the processor of a computer where the white matter is the cables that connect it all together. Women can think of several things at once and tend to make more connections between things. Men have a more myopic way of thinking. They focus on one thing at a time.

            Both ways of thinking are helpful for different situations. Men tend to be able to let things go a lot easier. If they had a bad day at work, they have an easier time not bringing it home with them. They can leave their feelings at work and be better able to focus on their family. While this is true for smaller problems, if they had a really bad day at work they would still be upset. Women tend to think over things and try to understand why someone did something. They like to talk things out a lot more and find the connections between things.

            Even though men and women have different ways of thinking, they complement each other. Not all families are the same but most of the time the mother nurtures the kids because that is what best her personality and the way she thinks. Men tend to go out and provide for the family because that is what they would prefer. There are women who go to work and men who stay home with the family. There are no set roles for each family. Everyone has the freedom to be able to do what they love in life as long as it doesn’t take away other peoples natural rights.

            I thought it was interesting that kids tend to lean more towards their mom until age 11. Afterwards they start to lean more towards their dad. I think this could be partially because women are more relationship oriented and are more nurturing. Little kids want to feel loved. Most of the time when a kid gets hurt they run to their mom and tell her what happened. If they were scared they would run to their father for protection. After about age 11 kids tend to be a little less dependent on their moms and want to be able to do everything by themselves. The lean more towards their dad to teach them life skills.

The people we become is influenced by the situations we grow up in. As we go through life we all have different experiences. Some people grow up in rich families while others may have less opportunities in a poorer one. Every experience we go through has some impact in our lives. Most of the time we become like our parents and mimic some of the same things that they did. Social classes also play a part in who we become. There are two extremes to the social class.

The upper class and the lower class. In the lower class it can be hard for the family to develop any type of structure. Most of the time the people that are living in a lower class have to live with some circumstances they can’t always control. Sometimes a spouse will unexpectedly leave and the other will have to raise and provide for the family by themselves. The kids in the family end up spending a lot of time without parental supervision. They aren’t able to have an example for them to learn the difference between right and wrong. Most of the time the kids raise themselves and one of the siblings, usually the older, tend to take charge and guide the other siblings.

Sometimes families just don’t enough even living together. Maybe the economy isn’t as good as they’d like it to be. Sometimes the parents try to escape the problems that they faced when they grew up such as poor education or a decreasing economy. For example, there are a lot of people who cross the border between the United States and Mexico to be able to have a better life. Usually when this happens the family saves up enough money so that they can send the father over first. He will usually cross over and find a job and try to find a way to support his family from across the border. After the father finds a place for the family to live and has a secure job then the rest of the family can come over and join him. Usually the family expects that this will only take five to six months but on average it takes up to two years. By this time the family dynamic has changed. The kids tend to lean more on the mother for help. When they finally cross the border they have to figure out how to realign their family structure.

In the upper class the parents tend to work more and not have as much time to spend with their families. They are gone most of the time and leave someone else in charge to look after their kids. They tend to be a little more detached from their families. The kids rely more on the person that is taking care of them and don’t rely as much on their parents.

It is sometimes hard for the kids that are raised in these two different types of classes. Without the structure in their families they aren’t able to learn all that they need to. They have a harder time adjusting to adult life and have a hard time keeping healthy relationships. The way in which we grow up plays a huge part in who we become and what we do with our lives. For most kids their parents are their role models. Little kids tend to copy what their parents do and even in their adult years. It is hard for them to know how to create structure In their homes when they didn’t have a structure growing up. Families can have a huge impact on the social classes.